I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
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I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.