The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
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[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related