Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
You Might Also Like
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?