Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”