Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.