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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.