Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
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This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius