Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
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You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.