The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk