Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
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The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.