The perfect label doesn’t exi-
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I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Try and stop me.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for