*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
True
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what