If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
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Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I know a bad idea when I see one.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I wish I were this cool 😂
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.