An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
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People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
*bites zombie*
Me My dog
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
This is I, Robot all over again
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.