I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
LOL
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.