[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
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When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
i made a craigslist ad !
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.