A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do