Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
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Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby