The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
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A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The French cow says MEUX…
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.