Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?