Rather alarming headline…
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If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up