Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
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The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My dog ate my work from home.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?