I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
@funTweeters
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
A family that plays together cheats.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…