[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
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the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
“Great, now I have to pee.”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
How about daylight saves us for once
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth