Them: You should try keto
Me:
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ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Monday
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.