7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
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If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
this chia pet tastes awful
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.