If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.