me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
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You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.