I learned about self care from watching my cat.
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99