anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
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2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
😂 amazing answer
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William