My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
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Waiting for the Charmin
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I really had high hopes for this year though
For those that worship cheese..
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over