All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.