If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
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There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…