If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Denise please return my vape pen
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
LMAO
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.