*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.