Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
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Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
The only equipped I am is ill.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there