Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
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Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
damn he’s good
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?