if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.