it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain