If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
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Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Taking phone security to the next level.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.