Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭