Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.