It’s been a terrible year for burglars
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Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
the noise i just made
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.