[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
You Might Also Like
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.