The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
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Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I just tested negative for patience.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.