No selfies while hijacking a train.
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My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Adultry does not sound fun at all
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.