A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
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Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.