Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
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My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
watergate? u mean a dam??
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*