My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
calling in to work dehydrated
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.