Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Is this you?